you are enough to be in relationship with others
doesn’t matter if you’re broke, mentally ill, or whatever. you are enough for the relationships that want you
I've been having a hard time in my relationships lately.
Now, this is something that might surprise you because I’m a coach and I’m pretty good at having tough conversations with others. But, as my Threads moot Blu Cameron said the other day, “I contain multitudes”.
I’ve been feeling like I'm not enough in my relationships mainly because I don't have the money to facilitate outings or experiences with others.
I don't even feel good enough to just leave the house because my wallet only got lint in it, chile.
(I’ve been functionally unemployed for almost 3 years, so if you’d like to help me out, buy me a tea or 3)
I've previously talked about my financial trauma, and some of that comes shows up in ways that create transactional-ish relationships.
You give me this thing and I give you something of equal value.
If you do this thing for me, I have to do something of equal value for you or else it feels like I’m taking advantage.
Now that I don't have the money, it feels really hard to maintain my relationships — they have the means and I don't.
I also grew up in a Catholic family, so that scripture about being unequally yoked is burned into my psyche.
Not having money in my relationships means I’m unequally yoked. Being unequally yoked means I’m not enough for certain relationships.
At least to my inner child.
Then, my bestie brought up how she was (reasonably) disappointed in my lack of effort in our relationship. It was weird cos I’m usually a pretty great friend. When I explained to her what was going on in my brain, it was like she was relieved — which was something I was not expecting.
“Now I know what’s going on”, she said, “and now we can work on it together”.
It turns out, the stuff that I thought she wouldn’t like doing with me, she absolutely would!
A lunch date at KFC. A drive to the mall to walk around for an hour or two. Even just spending time outside in the communal seating area at her apartment compound.
She just really wanted to get out of the house. She wanted to be outside. She wanted to feel more human.
Yes, she wanted to spend time with me, but it didn’t have to be anything grand or involved. Especially since we’re both chronically ill (and I’m a gay that can but hates driving).
This weekend we planned on going to the Miniso at the mall and I don’t have to worry about spending money, My ‘job’ is just to pick her up and be there, and enjoy the time with her.
That’s another recurring theme of my life that I’m working through: things (including myself) have to have purpose. Because of that financial trauma, every dollar I spend has to make sense. So everything I do has to make sense.
But going back to my relationships — I had a similar conversation with my partner. They wanted me to be more of an active participant in our relationship, and I told them I felt like I couldn’t be because I literally can’t afford to.
Again, I opened up to having a tough conversation.
(It was hard)
(I cried. A lot)
They assured me that it wasn’t anything material that they loved about me (I mean, of course they’re physically attracted to me lol), but it was the immaterial. The stuff you can’t quite count or measure.
The effort, the time spent together, the laughs, the support. That’s the stuff they really value.
And so, I’m trying my best to keep moving through these feelings of not being enough instead of getting stuck.
Is it tough?
You betcha.
Being chronically ill and neurodiverse in a world meant for able bodied and minded people will do that to ya.
I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough forever though. I mean, I know I’m not not enough.
I know I am enough.
I’m abundant even.
Like the sea, or the sky.
My conditioning isn’t so easy to decondition, and right now the only thing I can do is try.
Did you know that up to 40% of neurodiverse beings are under- or unemployed?
If you'd like to show your support for me as a neurodiverse being, why not send me a tea?
Your donation helps me stay afloat and allows me to keep creating helpful content and resources for the neurodiverse community.
more juicy reads 🧃
April was an insane month with BIG Aries energy. Read about the chaos it wreaked on my life
Think that Notion and AuDHD don’t go together? Here are some ways that they do for me!
